MIKE ROKE: Australia... Who the bloody hell needs ya?

We hear it all the time from Australian politicians - New Zealand are our close mates, our country cousins. What a load of bollocks.

Australia aren't our best mates. They are more like that bloke that married our mum who says he cares about us, but really he doesn't, and will ship us off to boarding school first chance he gets.

Friends...pfft. Australia seems to be going out of its way to slowly but steadily take privileges off Kiwis living across the ditch, sort of like death by 1000 cuts.

They are cutting access to welfare, sending naughty Kiwis back home and now hiking up the price for Kiwi students.

Who needs friends like that? That’s the kind of friend that sleeps with your partner and says they did you a favour because now you know they're a cheater.

Why would we want to be friends with them anyway? We hardly have anything in common. They call chilly bins eskys, duvets dooners and jandals thongs. They don’t like rugby, they claim all our celebrities and they play that ridiculous game that appears to have no rules and call it Australian Rules.

And, while I'm at it, what's up with the way they say the letter H? They pronounce it like it actually starts with a H... Haitch. Everybody knows that h starts with an A... Aitch.

I'm looking forward to April 25 next year when we will celebrate our first ever NZAC day. And let's get rid of their teams out of Super Rugby. They are all useless anyway.

I say it's time to end this “relationship” with that nation that changes its government more than it changes its socks. You're dead to me Australia. Up yours.

And by the way you are not the only nation girt by sea.

Mike Roke is technical producer for RadioLIVE Drive with Alison Mau, weekdays from 3-6pm.