Opinion: Lashes, did ‘ewe’ fix it?

Rural Exchange 07/04/2018

By Anand Hira, 5th highest profile Indian broadcaster in New Zealand, among others*

OPINION: Ball-tampering scandals maybe grabbing the headlines of our mainstream papers, but what should really be bold and centre on this week’s rural papers is the ‘ewe’ fixing that occurred at the New Zealand Shears at Te Kuiti on Friday night.

Move over Joseph Parker, this was the fight I had been waiting all my life to watch, and the outrage I feel towards what happened has kept me unable to eat and sleep for days.

The battle for the airwaves. A trial of broadcasting titans. An epic to rival Homer’s Odyssey.

I am referring to the Hamish Mckay v Jamie Mackay celebrity shear-off.

Hamish McKay, a Manawatu golden boy and junior shearing champion, was unfairly treated (his co-hosts, Sez Pez & Loey) due to his Eastern Bay’s address and the way he raises his pinky to drink his favourite rosé.

The true outsider and underdog with the TAB payin’ $105.50 to $1, Hamish was robbed in broad stage lights in front of the millions that were watching on the live broadcast around the world.

Many historians agree [McKay] is the one true spelling of the name, by the way.

Of course, the gentle giant that he is took the defeat in his stride with his moccasins and last name, who many historians agree is the one true spelling of the name, by the way.

The Rural Exchange team were shamefully guarded by Te Kuiti locals as they dodged blown-up sheep and multi-coloured rattle being thrown at them as they exited the Les Munro Centre.

Let me paint the picture of what I’ve have been able to uncover in the 24 hours following the event:

  • The two began fair and square with a paper, scissor, rock game to choose their sides.
  • Pulling their first two-tooth out of the pen in unison like watching the synchronised swimmers at the Commonwealth, Jamie and Hamish looked to be neck and neck.
  • Jamie was fairly penalised in time for not putting his first sheep down the hole & the rough job he did showing his hard and fast nature.
  • Hamish’s eye for quality and kind nature allowed him pace to smoothly shear magically long blows to his second ewe at least a good four ahead of his rival broadcaster.
  • Then, like on cue, like it had been rehearsed a thousand times & you could smell the money being counted, Hamish’s ‘ewe’ jiggled out of his grasp to give Jamie the clear advantage.

It was like watching the America’s Cup being ripped from sights 8-0.

The thousands of comments on social media afterwards of outrage from Rural Exchange fans as their TAB bets were now going to send them into irresponsible credit card debt.

One angry tweeter commented “Where was Lashes?”

For those of you unfamiliar with in the infamous, Mr “Lashes” Casey (or Sam as his mother likes to call him) likes to lurk in the shadows investigating random issues for social media.

Our highly credible incriminating evidence.

The Highlanders fan-boy is a shady character, so we launched our own ‘ewe’ fixing investigation that clearly occurred in front of our naked eyes. It was further escalated with photographic evidence after a concerned bystander sent us the above image.

Lashes, you're obviously a sports fan who understands the need to play clean as a young guy with a promising career.

We suggest you come clean and save yourself the thousands in a public relations specialist.

We appreciate you expressed your concern loudly in the Thomas Green at Southern Field Days about the three-time shearer not being confident against the national support for Hamish.

But this was a Loe-blow.

*This opinion piece was solely written for humour purposes. Rural Exchange would like to congratulate The Country on Jamie Mackay’s win. See you in Te Kuiti in 2019, mate.