I Am Nuts!

I have a mental illness!! You see these days I can say that and own it but it’s been a hell of a road to get there. I am 36 years old and have suffered from mood swings off and on since adolesence yet I was never hospitalised until I was in my early 20’s when I was in a severe depressive phase. Though when I was well I believed I never needed medication so would stop taking them and I would actually be fine for a good length of time. But then things would plummet quickly into that dark, lonely hole where no hope exists and death sings a sweet luring song.
The most recent period of unwellness was 3 years ago. It was a postnatal depression after the birth of my youngest daughter and being my first admission since being married and having children. I was off my game and that ugly black dog creep up so subtly. Before I knew it those night time feeds had me not falling back to sleep between feeds. I became irritable, tearful and with no energy. Yet, in my stupidity I thought this was just because I was sleep deprived and life would get better as my baby got older. But they didn’t get better, my mental state in fact got a lot worse. I started isolating even from my own husband and children and I began to resent and feel angry towards my baby. Then those voices of self loathing would start. “Only a terrible, evil mother would think that of their baby. Your baby would be better without such an evil cow for a mother.” Yet, I still believed things would get better. But everything all came to a head when one day when my baby wouldn’t stop crying, I screamed at her and for a brief moment lost control. As I sat on the floor beside the cot crying, I finally realised I needed HELP.
The next few months were a haze and included an acute inpatient admission, trialling anti-depressant medication, talking with a psychologist but all with no real improvement.
Then one day my psychiatrist mentioned having ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) as a treatment. Overwhelming fear and horror was all I felt as I recalled all the stories of people who had received it before. I thought I must be a complete hopeless case if this is what it had come to. After all, isn’t ECT the last resort option?
My psychiatrist informed me of the side effects and the fact I could withdraw my consent at anytime. So, once we were all satisfied that ECT was nothing like it had been in the past I consented to treatment. I needed something, as our whole family were suffering and I was at the point of total despair. It worked. In fact, everyone was so surprised at just how well it worked. With only a headache and some short-term memory loss (that returned when I finished treatment) it seemed like a miracle cure and a small price to pay for having my family, and my life back.
The biggest side effect for me was the attitudes of other people. One of my close friends actually said to me, that I was being selfish to be depressed. She said that I have a family that love me and I was letting them down. As if I didn’t know this! She even went as far as to not allow her children to be friends with my children. Yet, I couldn’t fix myself. I needed help and I needed support, not judgement.
These days I take my medication (mood stabiliser/anti-psychotic) and I take one day at a time. The Nutter’s Club is a place for me where I don’t feel judged and where I can let go of some of that self stigma and just be who I am. Nothing more, or nothing less!!

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